Public service announcement: STOP IGNORING YOUR EMOTIONS!

Repressing emotions is pretty universal. While globally there are differing levels of cultural acceptance around emotions, to some extent, every culture represses some or the majority of emotions.

In my opinion, repressing emotions is the most nonsensical thing that the human brain and our collective consciousness has cooked up. Emotions are not scary monsters under the bed to be run away from. EMOTIONS ARE INFORMATION. That is their primary purpose. To communicate something to you immediately. Emotions are instant, instinctual, gut reactions that bypass the “logical” brain because they provide information that is immediately important to survival. You don’t need a reason to feel a certain way, you just do, automatically, and that is precisely why they are useful. Emotions motivate action from yourself, and motivate action from others by signaling a need.

I should note that emotions shouldn’t universally be acted on because, well, sometimes the information we have that generates that emotion is faulty or incomplete, BUT the PRESENCE of that emotion is NOT something that should be ignored. The emotion is there to communicate something to you. Emotions need to be felt and acknowledged because they provide that instantaneous information that aids the brain in decision-making. Whether you decide to act on that particular emotion or not is another story, but by ignoring the emotion, you are missing out on critical data that allows you to make a sound decision.

Many clients come to therapy having made incredibly unwise life decisions with disastrous consequences, such as having married awful people, chose jobs that are ill suited for them, adopted a lifestyle that’s harmful (i.e. drug addiction) or unfulfilling, for the simple reason that they have been avoiding their emotions. Pushing down what their gut is telling them day in and day out. And I do acknowledge that it is confusing: to know exactly the difference between our feelings or what the brain is telling us. This is where therapy, mindfulness and meditation, can help us to differentiate those internal experiences (i.e. thoughts vs. emotions vs. body sensations).

However, the common sentiment that making emotional decisions is always bad, and that it inevitably leads to impulsive and regrettable behavior, represents, at best, an incomplete understanding of the purpose of our emotions and, at worst, is just flat out fallacious. It is EQUALLY if not MORE damaging to ignore your emotions. When we don’t listen to how we’re feeling, we’re making decisions with only a portion of the data. Sometimes, the portion of data originating from emotions is the more crucial piece since it is closely connected to our instincts and subconscious—the parts of our brain and body that lack consciousness and verbalization, yet possess a strong awareness that something is very wrong

In a nutshell, DO NOT IGNORE YOUR EMOTIONS PEOPLE! Feel them. Lean into them. Allow them to affect you. Ask what is it there for? What is it trying to say?

How Mindfulness Works and Why You Need It in Your Life

So, if you've read my last article, the next natural question is: how? How do I not react immediately? How do I not let my feelings influence me in the moment?

The answer is: develop mindfulness.

What the heck is mindfulness, anyway? Mindfulness has become another modern-day buzzword, synonymous with meditation, mental health, pop psychology, and even the more "woohoo" mental health treatments.

The way I understand mindfulness is to first realize that (thankfully!) we exist in a world where human beings have the ability to choose. Regardless of what we are feeling, thinking, sensing - we choose how to act. We choose our behaviors. So then it goes to reason that there are really two parts of us: the automatic part of us - what our brain and body indicate to us through thoughts, feelings, sensations... and then the part of us that chooses. The part of us that watches the automatic part. The sentient part of us. The super-ego. All different names for the same phenomenon.

Mindfulness is the tool we use to build the sentient part of ourselves, the part that chooses. Mindfulness is a skill that needs to be developed through regular practice that allows the sentient part of ourselves to have space from the automatic part, to be in control. It allows us to not act on those automatic impulses. When we're not acting on those automatic impulses, then we can create space to act on our values. And not just our values, but our dreams, our goals - everything that you've ever wanted, but your automatic survival brain talked you out of.

The practice of mindfulness is quite simple in theory - all mindfulness is, is being fully present in the present moment. Tuning into the sounds, physical sensations, smells, sights, tastes, and/or actions you are engaged in. It's purposely choosing to put your attention on these things rather than focusing on the brain's usual state of being - the stream of thoughts, words, feelings, pictures, etc. Now, that state is still going to exist, but by actively practicing putting your attention elsewhere, you're developing the power of sentience. The power of choice over automatic action.

What exactly is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?

In a nutshell, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is about learning to accept what we feel, think, and sense - whether it's comfortable or uncomfortable - and making a commitment to doing what we find most valuable and important.

I would argue that it's natural for all animals, including humans, to seek comfort and pleasure. It's in our nature to turn away from things that are aversive, and in fact, that's part of the reason we experience certain emotions. Take disgust, for example. Disgust is a feeling that provides a biological imperative for us to be repulsed away from something dangerous. The problem, however, is that our modern world has conditioned many of us to reject all emotions and feelings of discomfort.

I find this to be particularly true for men. We exist in a society where men are not permitted, without judgment, to express certain emotions, particularly those that indicate vulnerability, such as sadness, crying, and pain. Women also fall prey to this bias, but in a different sense. Women often can't express anger without judgment or sexuality without experiencing a different kind of judgment.

My point is that our society, and our human need to belong, conditions us out of feeling certain emotional experiences. These emotions become dangerous because they lead to rejection. Humans, whether we want it or not, are biologically programmed to want to "fit in." Thus, the brain, in its attempt to survive, often has us ignore or try to avoid these emotional experiences that will "lead to rejection."

Here's the problem, though. We evolved emotions for a reason. Emotions exist to provide information, motivate behavior, and communicate a need to the group.

Learning to accept feelings that our brain deems dangerous to our survival can be quite difficult and novel for many people. Our modern-day world has programmed us against our own evolution.

On the same token, however, not everything we feel is valid enough to motivate action. Whoa! Unpopular opinion here. Validating emotions is one of the core interventions therapists are taught to do, and feeling invalidated is very triggering for most people. And frankly, every emotion is valid in the moment because it exists to help us survive... but acting on that emotion - now that's a different story. We need to accept our emotions, but accepting is not the same as acting on an emotion. Accepting is allowing ourselves to experience - to feel - the emotion. Acting is the next step.

Sometimes though, we should act based on how we feel, but other times we shouldn't. How do we know if it's time to act or not? Simple. Do our actions align with our values? Do our actions align with what we feel is important to us? When we are aligned with our values, we feel congruent, confident, and justified. It feels right.

This is what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is all about: accepting our internal experiences and making a commitment to act based on our values.