How Mindfulness Works and Why You Need It in Your Life

So, if you've read my last article, the next natural question is: how? How do I not react immediately? How do I not let my feelings influence me in the moment?

The answer is: develop mindfulness.

What the heck is mindfulness, anyway? Mindfulness has become another modern-day buzzword, synonymous with meditation, mental health, pop psychology, and even the more "woohoo" mental health treatments.

The way I understand mindfulness is to first realize that (thankfully!) we exist in a world where human beings have the ability to choose. Regardless of what we are feeling, thinking, sensing - we choose how to act. We choose our behaviors. So then it goes to reason that there are really two parts of us: the automatic part of us - what our brain and body indicate to us through thoughts, feelings, sensations... and then the part of us that chooses. The part of us that watches the automatic part. The sentient part of us. The super-ego. All different names for the same phenomenon.

Mindfulness is the tool we use to build the sentient part of ourselves, the part that chooses. Mindfulness is a skill that needs to be developed through regular practice that allows the sentient part of ourselves to have space from the automatic part, to be in control. It allows us to not act on those automatic impulses. When we're not acting on those automatic impulses, then we can create space to act on our values. And not just our values, but our dreams, our goals - everything that you've ever wanted, but your automatic survival brain talked you out of.

The practice of mindfulness is quite simple in theory - all mindfulness is, is being fully present in the present moment. Tuning into the sounds, physical sensations, smells, sights, tastes, and/or actions you are engaged in. It's purposely choosing to put your attention on these things rather than focusing on the brain's usual state of being - the stream of thoughts, words, feelings, pictures, etc. Now, that state is still going to exist, but by actively practicing putting your attention elsewhere, you're developing the power of sentience. The power of choice over automatic action.

What exactly is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?

In a nutshell, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is about learning to accept what we feel, think, and sense - whether it's comfortable or uncomfortable - and making a commitment to doing what we find most valuable and important.

I would argue that it's natural for all animals, including humans, to seek comfort and pleasure. It's in our nature to turn away from things that are aversive, and in fact, that's part of the reason we experience certain emotions. Take disgust, for example. Disgust is a feeling that provides a biological imperative for us to be repulsed away from something dangerous. The problem, however, is that our modern world has conditioned many of us to reject all emotions and feelings of discomfort.

I’ve found this to be particularly relevant when it comes to how different genders are socialized to express emotion. In our society, men are often discouraged from openly expressing emotions that signal vulnerability, such as sadness, tears, or emotional pain—expressions that are frequently met with judgment or seen as weakness. This isn’t exclusive to men, however. Women, too, are constrained by different societal expectations. Anger, assertiveness, or overt expressions of sexuality are often met with criticism or dismissal, reinforcing the idea that only certain emotions are “acceptable” based on gender norms. These emotional double standards don’t just limit individuals—they cut people off from their full humanity.

My point is that our society, and our human need to belong, conditions us out of feeling certain emotional experiences. These emotions become dangerous because they lead to rejection. Humans, whether we want it or not, are biologically programmed to want to "fit in." Thus, the brain, in its attempt to survive, often has us ignore or try to avoid these emotional experiences that will "lead to rejection."

Here's the problem, though. We evolved emotions for a reason. Emotions exist to provide information, motivate behavior, and communicate a need to the group.

Learning to accept feelings that our brain deems dangerous to our survival can be quite difficult and novel for many people. Our modern-day world has programmed us against our own evolution.

On the same token, however, not everything we feel is valid enough to motivate action. Whoa! Unpopular opinion here. Validating emotions is one of the core interventions therapists are taught to do, and feeling invalidated is very triggering for most people. And frankly, every emotion is valid in the moment because it exists to help us survive... but acting on that emotion - now that's a different story. We need to accept our emotions, but accepting is not the same as acting on an emotion. Accepting is allowing ourselves to experience - to feel - the emotion. Acting is the next step.

Sometimes though, we should act based on how we feel, but other times we shouldn't. How do we know if it's time to act or not? Simple. Do our actions align with our values? Do our actions align with what we feel is important to us? When we are aligned with our values, we feel congruent, confident, and justified. It feels right.

This is what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is all about: accepting our internal experiences and making a commitment to act based on our values.