Choice is an illusion until we gain knowledge of our true selves.

Because our reality is constructed by our beliefs—the way we perceive, interpret, and make sense of the world—the idea of choice doesn’t fully exist... at least, not until certain conditions are met. Until then, we don’t truly choose anything. Who we are is dependent on things outside our control: our genetics, our family, and societal and cultural influences.

We learned to exist in the world as a function (or product) of the family we grew up in, along with various other influences: genetics, society, and culture. But let’s focus on the family part.

A common idea is that we have a tendency to “marry” one of our parents—that despite our best efforts, we often pick a partner who resembles one or both of them. There are many proposed reasons for this phenomenon: we marry what’s familiar; we have unresolved trauma subconsciously looking to get resolved, so we choose someone who triggers us in the same way; or we seek from our partners what we didn’t get from our parents. The ideas go on.

But I have a much simpler theory.

Let’s use the analogy of a puzzle. Each person in your family is a puzzle piece that makes up the whole. Each piece and each puzzle is unique—but what remains true across all puzzles is that, for the pieces to fit together, their shapes must fit into each other. As you grew up, you developed your unique shape in response to the family you were part of. You adapted to a way of existing that allowed you to “fit.” That shape—your particular way of being—is your personality, your beliefs, your worldview.

So the reason we “remarry” our parents is simply because the only other shape that fits our own, is one that resembles theirs. And so, we are doomed to repeat the same tragedies and re-live the same painful triggers from our family systems—now with our partners.

This is why choice does not exist, and why it was impossible for you to have made different choices in the past. You were always programmed to choose what you did, by factors beyond your control. The feeling of choice you had was an illusion. Those choices were predetermined by family, genetics, cultural and societal programming.

This raises questions about free will. Perhaps it doesn't truly doesn’t exist. But what does exist is the power to become aware of your particular shape and to live a life that aligns with who you are, not just who your family shaped you to be.

A consistent theme I see in my therapy is people feeling weighed down by ideas of failure, or experiencing pressure to be a certain way, achieve a particular goal, or live up to some predefined version of success. Often, there’s a deep sense of shame, disappointment, or grief tied to not meeting the expectations—whether internal or external—of who they believe they “should” be.

But that’s all baloney.

Nothing in life is fixed. Ideas like right and wrong, success and failure, worth and disgrace — they’re dependent on perspective. Life simply happens and then there are consequences — or rather, outcomes — to the choices we make. Those outcomes aren’t inherently good or bad; they simply are. Each one comes with trade-offs, and it’s up to each one of us to decide which compromises we're willing to live with, and what we can or cannot accept.

So until you have internalized this idea I’m proposing, your puzzle piece has already been shaped—and your future choices can be predicted by that preset algorithm.

The situations may change, but you’ll keep meeting the same types of people, having the same interactions, getting triggered in the same ways. The problem doesn’t lie with others—it lies with the shape you are. And inevitably, you will continue to find puzzle pieces that match that shape.

If you want different outcomes—different people, different relationships—you must change. This does not mean you are the problem… I hear this all the time in pop psychology, self-help, and spiritual communities, and I reject that narrative. It leads nowhere—just more shame and self-loathing. 

What I mean is: you need to change your shape. You need to examine the constructs that were handed to you and internalized, and figure out which ones fit you and which ones don’t. Then decide what feels true for you—regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Re-write those constructs: beliefs about yourself, others, the world, how things work, right and wrong, good and bad, etc. Figure out your values. Live from that place. Take actions based on your values. 

You are not broken—you are shaped. And the shape can be changed, but not until you see it clearly. Change your puzzle shape—and break the generational cycles that formed you.